I think up until now, as far as work goes, you have been working hard at being seen to be doing the right thing, doing things for your CV rather than for satisfaction in the present. I wonder if you can unpick and separate the two. I’m not sure if you are unhappy because of a relative lack of status and an inner voice saying, where is my promotion? Or whether this unhappiness is about the nature of the work itself. Reading your email, I cannot be sure if it is the not-rising-to-the-top that is distressing you, or the work itself. The biggest risk is staying in a place that makes you unhappy A friend of mine co-founded a new creative industry business at 80 ( .uk), so don’t think you’ve lost the game if you have got to a certain number without a particular milestone – you don’t need to play that game. This is grounded in those shoulds you’ve absorbed. I think your fear comes from your having in mind a sort of board game of years and milestones – of what milestone you should reach by what year. You have been ticking the boxes you were expected to tick by others, but they haven’t all been, until now, necessarily your boxes. Tramlines that suit many people, but they by no means suit all and I’m glad you are listening to your own feelings now because this means you will be able to make the adjustment you need in order to face in the right direction. Soaking up all these introjects, you assumed you should work hard at school, should go to university, should work in a competitive industry, should rise to the top. “Shoulds” are so often the assimilated wants of other people and of your culture. So again, it’s time to examine your “shoulds”. Makes me confident you can do the next bit of self-development work you need to do as well. Philippa’s answer Isn’t it great that your relationships with your partner and your child are working out? Sounds like you had an epiphany back there and stopped going for people you thought you should go for and instead went for someone you liked and loved. And, like I say, I’m not sure I even want to stay in this field. I have been applying for jobs, but there are not many firms that want a mother approaching 40. I feel relieved I am at least finally aware of this behaviour, but I am terrified that it is too late.
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